My CrAzInEsS

My Last Entry, this song has a great message

Thu, 17 May 2007 22:00:25 GMT

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive

[Chorus:]
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

And I'm singing

Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
(I'm alive)

[Chorus x2]

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
When nobody died...

[Chorus]

We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day when nobody died

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 00:02:30 GMT

I feel like this will never be over. I'm always hiding it from you. My head wants to explode with emotions, that I can never reveal. I hate seeing it happening, but I can't live without the parts of it.

Today was okay at first but then it was just depressing except for now being at Loren`s because she`s awesome. Loren says hi people. She made me type that. Anyways. It was depressing because I feel like I`m loosing something very important to me. But maybe i can try harder at gaining it back. I was so suprised because the Algebra midterm was easy, I think I aced it, and I would never say that unless I was 100% sure that I really aced it. So maybe today was a happy day. I don`t know. Sometimes I feel like school isn`t even a part of my life just because I never really try but I do try in math since i realized how difficult it is.

My uncle has cancer of liver. Its really bad and he needs a transplant but they don't think he is going to live long enough to receive it. Right now hes getting chemothearapy but they are thinking of stopping because he has some cancer in other parts of his body. I think thats the most insensate thing I have ever heard. Well I understand there reasoning but I guess it makes me angry just because hes my uncle.

I'm sorry (to anyone who reads this, like three people mabye) I feel bad because all I enter about is depressing stuff.

Hmmm. Something cheery. I LOVE GERARD!!! And...I LOVE JACK!!! AND RON!!! AND HARRY!!! I guess only Harry now since Sam is in love with Ron. And I love Connor from Angel, and Criss Angel.

Random stuff~~~

I LOVE this song

There's a field nearby
With words written in stone
My love will not die
Please let it be known
This place is dead
It echoes through town
There isn't one voice
I haven't heard a sound
The planes flew in
Their bombs did too
The city fell flat
The fires, they grew
When the smoke comes in
It'll color this town
But I'll still have you
So I'll say it aloud

I'll be your distraction
I'll be your distraction

The friendship we made
Is a waste of our time
There's no one left here
To show future that's kind
It's a world of hate
Gone incredibly wrong
We cared too late
We just followed along
And the boys went down
With a gun in their hand
Their weapon of choice
Their knees in the sand
If that field nearby
Was still there to be used
Would you ever have known?
Those words were for you by-Angels and Airwaves

We could be perfect one last night
And look like star-crossed lovers when we fight
And we can settle this affair
If you would shed your yellow take my hand
And then we'll solve the mystery of laceration gravity
This riddle of revenge please understand it has to be this way and

Stand up f**king tall
Don't let them see your back
Take my f**king hand
and never be afraid again

We've only got once chance to put this at in end

and cross the patron saint of switchblade fights
You said we're not celebrities, we spark and fade, they die by threes
I'll make you understand and you can trade me for an apparition

Trust, you said
Who put the words in your head
Oh how wrong we were to think -MY CHrMICAL ROMANCE

I'm sick of this My Chem thing. I'll say MCR or My Chemical Romance but not My Chem. Its stupid. I dont know why.

ok I WILL finish this later sorry for the total nothingness but i promise i'll make it a more meaningful entry hopefully tommarow. This is an awkward place to lj.
That immortality meant never dying

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 22:17:09 GMT

OK! I am feeling really thankful today of all my friends. I was going to make a list of ppl that are awesome but no matter what i do ppl get offended. So i give up. I still want to say thankyou to all of my friends who are awesome and i love them all. THANKYOU

Hopeless

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 19:36:20 GMT

STUPIDITY. ACTING....psh! I suck

Well what is there to say?

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 18:04:06 GMT

I'm sorry I don't want to make an entry of nothing but me complaining but you wanted me to make one so here it goes. Christmas was upsetting. Well it was O.K. But the days after were depressing. I have only like 2 real friends. To them I say thankyou for being their, for remembering, for calling for no reason, and for helping me when i'm upset. O.k. that was kind of mean I'm not forgetting my other friends but those two have just helped alot lately. I think I have a problem with impulse buying, because I already wasted my money...i really don't feel like getting into it. I'm so sick and tired of everthing I don't feel like doing anything anymore. Now whats left? I'll go back to school, and just exist. Thats all I feel like. I wish break could start over again. Or eight grade. Or mabye i'll go back to when I moved here. I want to redo everything, with the state of mind I have now. I'm going to work really hard to make 2007 right. I won't screw up, and I'll ditch the negatives in my life. g2g ttyl

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 21:54:37 GMT

The absence of your eyes makes me want to cry...

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 23:07:41 GMT

[ you ]
[ can't ]
[ fight ]
[ fate ]
whatever happens
happens

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 01:27:19 GMT

Hm wher to start? Everything has been so hard lately even my friends. One of my friends is being all $@^&$#%$#^%#* and I just found out she has been stabbing me in the back all along. I can't even talk to her anymore. And when i need help with a problem she doesnt even care anymore. My other friends have been great though. I'm closer than ever to this one friend and my other close friends still got my biz-ack. Haha ok no. I wish time would slow down. I feel like I wasted a whole year over nothing. Assumptions get you nowhere. Or I wish could restart 6th grade. Ther is so many mistakes i would fix. Life can be so UNFAIR UNFAIR UNFAIR. And I'm starting to hate school, but I still like it better then being in the warzone. We've been clearing out my grandma's house and its so depressing. I've seen a bunch of old pictures and it hurts to see my grandma, grandpa, and Mrs. Midge (close family friend) alive and well in those pictures. Ignorence is bliss. Little kids have it made. I hate growing up. I want to go to Neverland, and fly with Peter Pan. OR i want to own Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. That place is awesome. I love love love T.S.O. lately more than ever. They are so amazing. When i listen to them I leave earth for a while. I made refereance to it in one of my poems.

As i sit here,
In a trancey meditation
I feel,
A slight elevatation
This music is my,
Only motivation

I hear it and i'm gone

Ha that one sucks. Anyways, I get to see them in concert the 2cnd!!!!!!!!!! I saw them last year and they're brilliant. Like 5 hours of awsomeness. It was sopposed to be four hours but our intermission ran long and they ran long too. It was heaven! Math is so hard to me. LAst year I was really bored in pre-algebra because it was so easy. Now I'm in honors algebra and its confusing. I guess I'm not used to acually working and paying attention in class. g2g i have more to say i'll post the rest later i kinda got off topic

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 20:38:02 GMT

The Mask I Wear

Why can't you see the pain,
That I'm feeling inside?
I thought that it shows,
Through my translucent pride?
Just look into my eyes
And you'll see the tears
Brought on by the pain
Held close for some years
So often I pretend
That there is nothing wrong
And I try very hard
To appear to be strong
So please look beyond
The mask that I wear
Because I feel so desperate
For someone to care

One of my friends have been very confusing lately. I can't say why he confuses me, uuuum because I don't want to say it. I need a new science seat. Ok that was pointless. I feel sick with grief. Lately everything sucks. I need someone to complain to. A lot of my friends have been having problems lately. Everybody has problems lately. To everybody i wish you much love and happiness. We need it.

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 21:03:06 GMT

Walk with me into the rain
Have it drown out the sorrow and the pain
Let us be pelted by the pounding tears
Falling beautifly from the heaven above
Feel them grow colder and harder,
While they fall from the dark sky
We pretend our pain has died
And we stop searching for the light
Getting lost in the thickness of night
Not thinking of tomorrow
Thinking it'll make everything right
Watch as the beautiful rain pelts
Tears that seem to be cried by the angels who see
Us standing in the cold cruel streets

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 19:57:35 GMT

As I start to see people's true colors, do I like what I see? No, I don't for most, but for others I love it. I'm seeing some of my closest friends in a new light and I love them for it. I just try to ignore the bad things in life right now. My grandma got released from the hospital and now she’s staying at our house for a while. It’s just depressing living with here because she says things like "Oh Alyce, don't be late for school!" When I'm going to the library, and I have told her that. And if you correct her she gets mad at you. This might sound bad but it’s kind of like living with a drunken person who never gets sober. Yesterday she didn’t want to go to sleep because her blanket was too green. And me and my mom got so scared yesterday because she walked outside and wandered to the front yard and for like 30 seconds we didn't know where she was. When we found her I asked her what she was doing and she said she was looking for Harley. Harley is my Aunt and Uncles dog. So I said, "Grandma you’re at our house now, and Harley is at Uncle Frank's house, that’s his home." And then she got embarrassed and went back inside. It made me happy though because she used to sing to me this song "Alleluia" and yesterday I was singing it for her and she remembered most of the words, so I try to focus on that. Yesterday my mom and I had a long talk. We came to some sort of an understanding, basically she just told me that I live in a dictatorship and she is the dictator. So, I have to keep my mouth shut and basically be a doormat for her and I'm not allowed to stick up for myself. I think our main problem is that we transfer emotions to each other. If she becomes frustrated, I become frustrated. Our frustration turns to anger, and then its war. And I’m sick of her winning. She always try’s to make me look like the bad guy and feel so guilty. She can be so manipulative. I HATE MANIPULATIVE PEOPLE. One of my friends does it and she doesn’t even realize it (or maybe she does? I don’t know) and lately we have NOT been getting along at all. But, how can I complain about her and my mom when I'm manipulative too? At least I think I am, and I try not too. Ok back to my mom, she’s not all bad. I've been complaining about her a lot lately to some people and to those people I just want you to realize that she’s not a horrible person we just don’t get along AT ALL anymore. I still am grateful to have her. And I am grateful for The Breakfast Club. I watched that movie yesterday I think it’s my favorite movie. The Breakfast Club, Remember the Titans (I don’t care what you think), and Finding Never land. I looooove Finding Never land it was so brilliantly made and the acting was very good. In the movie when James (Johnny Depp) was pretending to be a pirate, he sounded JUST LIKE JACK SPARROW!!! Go figure huh? Ok well I'm running out of things to talk about so I'll probably think of something else to add in an hour.

I Call It Thursday

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 00:51:59 GMT

It hits you like a storm of emotions
Raining tears of saddness
And lightning stikes with anger
The thunder, the words I said to you
And you to me
Booming back and forth
Each one as loud, and voictrus as the other
Instilling fear in me
And breaking my heart
I heard when storms end,
There is supposed to be sunshine
But my storms don't end
Instead, they turn into,
A never-ending ,
Cold ,
Rain

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 22:11:50 GMT

This is great. Everything that could have gone wrong has gone wrong, and I'm just watching all of it. By the way your problems don't matter at all; they are a minor insignificance compared to everything else in this world. No, not true. That’s the exact opposite of what I usually preach so if I've been acting like that lately just ignore me I don't mean it. I feel betrayed, lost, hopeless, and confused. And what’s more weird is when I'm feeling this I get these sudden outbursts of hatred to people who don’t deserve it, and sudden outbursts of happiness over little things. Like snow, I love snow and I was crying watching the snow today because it made me so happy. And at school, little things like friends saying hi in the hallway makes me so happy. I said before that I was going to get hit by a bus, and I might as well have. Here is 1/2 the story, the parts I can tell you LJians.

I went to a wedding yesterday. It was my Cousin Steven's wedding, he’s awesome. Being with that side of the family usually makes me happy, but I couldn't even speak to them. Every time I tried to speak, I started crying. It hurt to be there because something was missing. My grandma wasn't there. She was so happy when she first heard about the wedding and it was what she talked about for like 90% of the time. Her face lighted up every time it was mentioned and I could tell that going to the wedding was exactly what she needed. But then she started getting more and more confused everyday. It was a struggle to handle her and drained all of me and my mom's energy. She was admitted into the hospital I think Saturday. She was over-dosing herself with her medication. She has Alzheimer’s and dementia so she didn’t understand what she was doing. Her mind is just gone and I miss her so much. I would do ANYTHING to turn back time but I can’t.

I want to say something else but it would probably offend someone.

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 21:58:31 GMT

So I finally got my hands on The Black Parade (not just a burned c.d). I've been waiting for some new material from My Chemical Romance since two weeks after the release of Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge. It's possibly my favorite album and definitely my most played. It's hard to believe the album was released almost two and a half years ago. But TBP probably come so late because MIkey's depression almost broke the band up. TBP starts of brilliantly. You hear a heart monitor beeping sound with an acoustic guitar sneaking its way in. Then you hear Gerard sing “Now come one, come all to this tragic affair” and that is when you hear me scream form excitment and happiness. I love how MCR switches from there songs being mostly vocal to all out rock. After a fade into the next song 'Dead!', I really start getting into it. I can't help to play air guitar and dance crazily. I love this song. A great part of this song is when you hear “And in my honest observation”.This Is How I Disappear' is awsome too. As with a lot of MCR songs, the beginning consists of a backdrop of a single instrument with Gerard singing some slower and softer lyrics. The same style is in 'The Sharpest Lives'. Do I even need to tell you about 'The Black Parade'? Its definatly the best song on the album although that's just my opinion. I don't think anyone expected a song like this. It's obviously influenced by Queen and is even more noticeable when the band play this live. g2g i'll finish this entry later

I hate that question, "What's wrong?" because there is too much to tell.

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 19:52:08 GMT

I wish it wasn't Sunday. I am so tired because I couldn’t sleep last night. My grandma is in the hospital because she's been over-dosing some of her medication for the past 2 weeks. Her nurse freaked out because she was supposed to have 1 month worth of medication in one of her bottles but there were only two pills in it. So she called my mom and told her and my mom called the doctor and told her to get her to the hospital right away. She’s fine though. I think they are going to wait for it to get out of her system and then start her back on it again. Even though she’s fine I'm still overwhelmingly sad. I hate to see how time is affecting her. She has Alzheimer’s disease and last week she kept calling me Ann. Ann was my mom's childhood best friend and my mom said I look like her, so that’s probably why she got confused. I feel like I'm trapped because I told my mom that I'm mature enough to handle her telling me straight up what's wrong with my grandma but now I wish I hadn't. But, I can’t not know if she’s ok And all I want to do lately is go to her house to spend time with her but whenever I do I get really depressed because my mom and me get so frustrated trying to take care of her and we take our anger out on each other. I miss my grandma. She's still here physically but not mentally, and I don't think I can handle it anymore. But there’s nothing I can do.

Don't Ask

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 15:43:03 GMT

I will vanish with the darkness
And I will leave before dawn
I am going to a city by the sea
But I carry you with me

it seems that with even the littlest glimmer of hope i find, someone manages to ruin it.

i'm just mad because i'm sopposed to be at cedar point but the weather sucks

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 13:06:45 GMT

*yawn* It's really early but I can't sleep. I've been so busy lately that I forgot all about halloween. (it's in like 3 days?) I don't feel excited at all and I usually would be by now. Lately life has been really difficult. My mom and I fight all the time. She won't stop accusing me of being lazy but I really am working hard, especially with my grades. School is so tiring. I know I shouldn't be in honors math but Mrs. Shmidt thinks I'm doing fine and every time I asked her about dropping the class, she convinced me not to. I don't know, I guess I'm not used to working so hard. I'm so tired from school and homework that I never have time to do any chores. And then there's my friends. Some friends have been great but others haven't. One of my best friends has just been growing apart from me ever since summer break. Now me and her barely talk anymore and when we do we always end up arguing about something stupid. And this other friend, I always get the feeling that she lies to me but I can't prove it. Another friend, I feel like I'm using her. I never did anything to hurt her but we have nothing in common and I kind of feel like I only hang out with her when I'm bored or to get away from my house. Yes, that is wrong, but we always have fun together and I don't know how to explain it but I think it would be more wrong to stop being friends with her for that reason. And then theres the last friend! He told me we're friends but he never talks to me and when he does it's like we talk but we don't say anything. I g2g I'll finish this entry later.

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 23:03:54 GMT

i am so confused i dont even know what to think anymore. why does this have to happen to me i dont need this i cant even explain it. i am nothing and i am not worth it. i dont deserve this and now reality is starting to take place. i knew it all along and i have been saying it all along and now that its happening i wish i was wrong

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 21:07:36 GMT

: )!!!!!!!!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Gsq8qMi9_J0

http://youtube.com/watch?v=GTm2j3na8Hc

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 00:23:01 GMT

i hate it

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 22:13:48 GMT

mmmm. cherries. oh yes i'm eating (suprise suprise) cherries. wow i didnt think before i typed that it just kinda came out. i feel better than i did yesterday. a very good friend helped me feel better. to that friend i say sorry for rambling on about stuff. nothings going on really right now and today was good. except for this one thing that kinda creeped me out but it was probably nothing and i cant type it anyways. I FINALLY GOT ALL OF MY TICKETS!!! yay. i get to go to 3 concerts this year with the money i've been saving. well not really ME saving it its just for the past 3 years my uncle hasnt given me any birthday money (and i normally get like 80$) so 80x3=240$ cha ching! ok that was dumb. n/e way, i get to see T.S.O, cats (wich is acually a musical), and i'm thinking of seeing the decemberunderground tour. (all the cool ppl know thats AFI) but i donno. i really want to see linkin park again but i dont know if there on tour and life is all about new experiances and i've seen them already. but still, they were awsome. OR i could see MCR but i kinda have a certain thing that um *cough cough* aHEM i have to do. dont ask questions i might explain some other time

What I Am Thankful For

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 20:02:12 GMT

-Poetry
-Love (its everything)
-Zach
-Cassie
-Loren
-Kristin
-Pink Floyd
-The Dark Side Of The Moon
-the dark side of the moon
-MCR (lol loren, thats what the kids on the streets call it)
-Kayla G. (i'm so sorry)
-Kayla T.
-Ryan
-Erica
-Katie
-Fear (it keeps our senses sharp, cassie said so)
-T.S.O
-Rain
-Snow
-Christmastime
-Life-
All you touch and all you see,
Is all your life will ever be
So just come here and lay with me
And we can watch the stars freely

now lets see if i can stand to face the truth

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 18:28:13 GMT

As I sit here, sick to my stomache, with anger, and envy, angry with change, envious of her ways. I realize that, I feel fear. Of being forgotten. Of not amounting up to something great. And i long to be great. But this world we live in is so fucking big! And i'm just so tired. I dont matter! Nobody needs me! But why am I here? Why did god place me here? I don't deserve this, but they must see my facade. WHo am i really? They dont know, and i dont even know. I AM SO CONFUSED! I love that song, Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace. since i cant write for shit, this is close to what i feel like lately.

I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this person I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me

i hate this so much but i cant even describe what i hate. I NEED ZACH!!! but hes not online. cassie i'm living inside my head too. why do i feel so cold all of a sudden?

Listen to,
My hyperventilation
I feel,
Such cold isolation
Help me,
Find some inspiration

I just can't go on

I cause this,
Mischaracterization
I neep to,
Stop this obfuscation
I feel lost,
In communication

And this is my life song

As i sit here,
In a trancey meditation
I feel,
A slight elevatation
Music is my,
Only motivation

I hear it and i'm gone

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 17:57:00 GMT

cassie and zach you guys are so amazing. why do you even bother with me? i am nothing compared to you. ther is nothing special about me. i am so lucky to have you guys. cassie you are the best friend ever and zach you are the best boyfriend ever I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

I LOVE YOU ZACH

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 23:03:03 GMT

I LOVE ZACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!